What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
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[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question