“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
I just tested negative for patience.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”