“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?