“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”![]()
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One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.