“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
