“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
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[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Why the f*** is it called the restroom I am fighting for my life in here
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
that would 100% work on me
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.