Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*

I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.