Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
You Might Also Like
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Salad is the decaf of food.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.