Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.