What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
White Castle for the Win
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
incredible text to wake up to
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.