What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.