Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

Them: You have a debt to society

Me: Well they can get in line

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

i hope my email finds you on fire

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Omg 🤣