What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
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Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
What about second breakfast?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[slowly crosses McRib off my manifesto]
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.