Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

Rambo Rambow

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.