Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

Beware of the dog..

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

My dad.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

If you play The Grinch backward, his heart shrinks after interacting with people and that’s a lot more accurate.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.