Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.