Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

ㅤ

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.