what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.