what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
October already? What’s next? November????
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you