what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…