What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
You Might Also Like
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.