Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?

me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!

JW: excuse me?

me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’