What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”