What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Before & after 😅
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin