What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
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Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …