What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
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detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.