Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

12. I think about this all the damn time

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you