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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.