“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
😭😭
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
excuse me
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief