“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
181.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will