“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole