“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro