What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
A roof is a house hat.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
No. He’s not coming out to play
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.