Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

🤝

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

This kinda thing happens to me often

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.