Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

dril cadence

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.