Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job

Willy Wonka:

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

found this cool rock hiking today

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”