Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What my back needs

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

[Next door dog barking]

Me: *inserts earpugs*

[Barking intensifies]

Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*

my first dose meeting my second

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how