Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Don’t judge a book by its cover, nor an establishment by its name. If I’m looking for a decent pizza, I go to Planet Fitness. If I’m looking for a fight, I go to Waffle House.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook