“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
You Might Also Like
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.