“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.