“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
You Might Also Like
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.