“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.