Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.