What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
So inspired right now.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.