Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

ㅤㅤ

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.

Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

If you’re testing me, we failed.

All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him