Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.