What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally