What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
You Might Also Like
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors