Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday