What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.