What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet