What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
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When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I love it all
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.