What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
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Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper