What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
![]()
You Might Also Like
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
![]()
![]()
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
only 11 steps left
![]()
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
![]()
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
![]()
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!