[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
You Might Also Like
worst…sale…ever
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing