What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Sounds like a real hoot.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.