What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Guy who likes music
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant