What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
me and the Superbowl rn
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.