What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Please vote for people who are attractive
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons