what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
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It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out