Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it

[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.