Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Happy thanksgiving

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Me: Want a back rub?

Wife: It depends

Me: On what?

Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?

Me:

Wife: No. The answer is no.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!

Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!

Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.

But I looked rad AF.

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

This is always good for a laugh.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up