What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You Might Also Like
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
No laws when master is gone
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.