What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You Might Also Like
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I have questions??
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Kids: Stay in school.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda