Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.

Voldemort: not cool

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

He a real one for that

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks