Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

#Caturday

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

always be there

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

🤭

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:

Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?

Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?