Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Fries, not lies.