What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE