Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

What the hell happened here.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH