what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
i can’t wait that long
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“No way.” -Jose