Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”