Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

No, YOUR illiterate.

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.