Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button

– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.