What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
The days of good grammer has went
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.