Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese

ME: Treese

HER: I hate you

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

The options really are this bad

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions