Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Blew my mind.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up

Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…

MUST BE FREE!

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”