What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
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ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
This joke is 7 years old
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
finally
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.