what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.