what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.