what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
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I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Good point.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.