Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

A little too much information.

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Camel dough

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.