Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀