Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

What the hell is going on?

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

Finally, a door that understands me

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him