What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
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Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.