Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Golf would be better with landmines.

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.