Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*