What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then